The Psychology of Conversation (Douglas Stone et al. — translated by Kim Young-shin)
* Prologue
The problem with difficult conversations that we've failed to recognize is not how hard we've been searching for an 'answer,' but whether we've been searching in the 'right place.'
Because, fundamentally, it's not a problem of your behavior — it's a problem of your way of thinking.
Share and empathize about what we're all thinking and feeling but haven't said.
(To prevent the countless things that are never spoken from running in the background.)
(The gap between what we actually think and what we say is what makes conversation hard.)
(Attention gets scattered because of inner thoughts: the arbitrary judgment that \"saying it all won't help much anyway,\" and when sorting out what to say and not to say, the line between the two often stays blurry.)
Don't blame — find the cause.
* Three Types of Difficult Conversations
1. The conflict conversation
1) Let go of the compulsion to prove the truth.
Aren't we quietly assuming, 'I'm right and you're wrong'?
What exactly am I claiming to be right about?
What matters is that most difficult conversations are never really about correcting some fact.
They're about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.
(A few missing pages < whether this is the right person, the right company (whether the role fits) — that is what needs reflection.)
(It isn't a problem about the contents of the contract; it's about what the contract means.)
(It isn't about which parenting book is most widely read; it's about which parenting approach to follow.)
(It isn't about what the truth is; it's about what matters.)
(It isn't a debate over whether the graph is accurate. Both sides agree the brochure has some issues. The question is whether those errors are worrying, and if so, how to handle them.)
(So it isn't a problem of right vs wrong — it's a problem of how to interpret and how to evaluate.)
2) Don't misread the other's intent.
The second focal point of a conflict conversation is the 'intent' of you and me.
(Are you shouting to hurt my feelings, or just to emphasize your point?)
(Did you throw my cigarette away to control my behavior, or to support my resolve to quit?)
The error we tend to run into around 'intent' is simple, but its consequences are serious. Even when we don't really know someone else's intent, we often assume we know it well.
(The bigger problem is that when we don't know someone's intent, we tend to assume the worst.)
Intent is not really visible; we only infer it from the other person's behavior. In other words, we are the ones making up the other side's intent.
3) Drop the blame habit.
Arguing over whose fault it is is not that different from trying to prove the truth. The result is disagreement and denial — and neither one can solve anything.
No one wants to be blamed, especially unfairly. So we end up pouring everything into defending ourselves.
(When a capable and wise person does something foolish, the priorities are first to understand what kept that person from foreseeing the outcome, and second to prevent the same thing from happening again.)
Focusing only on blame blocks us from finding causes, fixing what's wrong, and moving forward. But if we focus on understanding the system of causes behind the problem, we can identify the true cause and put effort into fixing it.
2. The emotion conversation
A conversation that doesn't express emotion is like an opera with no music.
Emotion is not a byproduct of a difficult conversation — it is the root cause of that conflict.
Not bringing up a hard problem temporarily saves time and eases anxiety. But the problem stays unsolved.
If the heart of the issue is emotion, and we never talk about it, what on earth do we gain?
3. The identity conversation
The identity conversation is an inward one.
It's about who we are and how we see ourselves.
The identity conversation is the conversation you have with yourself about yourself.
(When we have to deliver bad news, part of what makes it hard is being afraid of how that conversation will make us feel about ourselves. We feel the conflict between the self-image of being someone who helps, and the reality of having to say no to the other person's proposal.)
The purpose of a difficult conversation is to prove some fact, to press our view, or to make others act or become what we want them to be.
Once we understand the difficulties that come with all three of these conversations and the errors people often make around them, the purpose of our conversations begins to shift.
We come to see the complexity of perception and intent that comes with conversation, the reality that we jointly contribute to the problem, the fact that emotion plays a central role, and how these issues affect each person's self-esteem and identity.
Then we realize that struggling to deliver our own message is meaningless.
