Self-Inflicted Move

A situation that simply could not not happen, where everyday taboos and personal quirks pile up, and things passed over without a second thought are placed - literally without warning - before someone as a sudden incident.

It feels unfair, but there's nothing actually unfair about it. All you can do is stand there in stunned blankness.

An almost obsessive taboo about my doorlock password. An extreme, near-OCD setup of conditions.
Worry over the password being exposed. A situation in which even I can't retrieve it - in fact, I can't even remember whether I changed it.
Several similar mistakes around carrying a master key, and skating by with workarounds (apps).
While doing the laundry, I gather all my belongings in one spot, the way I usually do. But there have been times when, even gathered together, I missed something every single time. And yet I treat the act of missing it as taboo. I don't think about a fundamental fix.
While hanging up the laundry, I shut off the internet power. The irony of installing a home camera and then not using it. Because of laundry? Because of security? While I'm so often adjusting the temperature from outside, I shut off power that isn't being used - obsessive cleanliness?! Taboo? ..

A situation that, in normal circumstances, would not happen, could not happen, lined up - as if on purpose - through extremely low-probability cases that clicked into place several times over, until eventually the incident actually occurred.



This kind of unfortunate situation isn't limited to
doorlocks alone.

A self-inflicted move.
Behaviors and habits formed by piling worry on top of worry come pouring down on me like this - irreversible, undeniable, unavoidable, a self-inflicted move I have to accept.


What kind of self-inflicted move is waiting next?

Health?
Personal business?
Relationships with clients?
Meeting a partner, marriage? Or my old age?  
Relationships with family, siblings, in-laws?


Once I narrowly overcome a worry that pops up out of nowhere,
and that relief piles up to fill the unconscious of every little behavior of mine,
then a behavior I happened to make without intending, an unconscious habit, or a deeply personal taboo triggers my actions like a ghost - and as a result, the many situations that have happened, are happening, and could happen, all manifest as events that, by coincidence, I can frequently handle, and the experiences I could 'frequently handle' soak in as habit, until eventually one day they explode as an accident I cannot handle.





There's no obvious way out.
There is no method beyond a powerless acceptance.
Unfortunately, the more I try to refuse it, the deeper the wound digs in.





I sit blankly in front of the empty stable from which the cow has been lost.

The thing I have so often criticized in others -
the scolding I aimed at people who weren't busy but simply scattered -
and now I realize the scattered actor was me.


Pain wraps itself around my whole body.

As if it were a poisoned arrow,
I try to wrestle with my attachment, my obsessiveness, the consciousness of mine that has been seeped through and stained with it.

As if it were a poisoned arrow,
after thrashing for a while, I finally try to stop the thrashing.

I have no way of knowing which side I'm closer to,
somewhere between powerless acceptance and calm acceptance ..

As if it were a poisoned arrow,
I try to stop chewing over the past,
and I'm still wrestling with the doubt of whether I should pretend it's not a big deal, pretend to be calm.