1.
I often feel that insights which arise in me unconsciously are too big for me to carry.
My vessel seems small, my ability to execute, solve problems, or give things concrete form seems weak.
There was a time I used easy excuses like “it’s because of my circumstances” or “because I have no connections.”
Then, while being pushed along by daily life, one day I suddenly find out my thinking was right.
Not through something I built, but years later — through reports on what other companies, or members of those companies, went on to realize.
Because of this, I suspect I carry, without knowing it, an unconscious inferiority complex, anxiety, or frustration.
(I don’t feel any of that consciously yet, but I wonder if it’s there at the subconscious level.)
How should I act in this situation?
1) Achieve my goals within this company,
2) Move to a company that I believe shares my values, or
3) Start my own thing.
> First, I’ve tried option 3. I realized I’m not yet enough of a vessel to be an owner.
> And option 1 also looks hard. I know it’s arrogant to think you can change someone else.
In the end, I know I have to change myself first before I can change the people around me.
But right now, there’s no paycheck coming in. And there’s no internal staff. And no plan to hire…
> Option 2… hm. Every time I try option 2, I end up thinking, “Have I really been living this whole time for nothing?”
My college years, my working years, the projects I squeezed out of personal time — it seems all of these,
without certifiable specs, come across as merely “interesting and unusual” applications.
Is there some other kind of choice I’m unaware of? That question keeps circling in my ear.
Some people say:
“There’s an age for learning — you’re at the point where you should be living off what you’ve already got.”
But I… I still want to learn more, to experience more. Reality doesn’t allow it.
The hurdles in front of me are too many, and too high.
I know that passion isn’t everything.
Like I always tell myself, passion is merely a necessary condition.
But… harder than running and jumping and tripping over the hurdles
are the shouts from the spectators as they watch me live this way:
“Must be nice! Is this really the time to be doing that? Snap out of it — it’s time to settle down and get married…”
2.
I wonder, without realizing it, if I want to tell my own story more
and if I’m feeling a thirst for recognition or empathy from others that never quits.
And because of that, even over small things, I end up reading the mood or worrying about the outcome in advance —
my inner conflicts and mood swings seem to grow more intense.
So when I’m in a conversation,
I often drift off the original thread to seek some justification, recognition, or reward? for myself,
and in the end the direction of what I’m saying wobbles, and my delivery comes out poorly.
In those cases I usually make plausible excuses — that I’m short on focus, or that I’m just bad at speaking, or I wasn’t prepared, or I’m nervous, or I don’t have enough experience.
