What scares me the most
is the moment when daily life feels like a sponge that has swallowed water.
Suddenly, "This isn't so bad—it would be fine to stay like this for a little longer.."
The instant that thought arrives, I am gripped by fear..
Even if it's unnecessary and inconvenient, I force myself outside.
And I walk. I read a book. I find a quiet cafe with no people and go in.
Only then do I find myself again..
Only then do I recover the life I had let slip by.
It's been almost two months since I've opened Twitter.
Over 50 unread trend newsletter emails sit in my inbox.
More than five books have been read but never organized into notes.
More than three books have been bought but never read.
My Aladin shopping cart has passed 400,000 won in pending purchases.
More than ten insight memos are waiting to be moved to the blog.
It's been over two months since I said I'd start studying English seriously.
I said I'd pay my bills three months ago—the dunning deadline is tomorrow.
Four months have passed since I said I'd swap my monthly rent for a jeonse lease and find a new place.
Over three months since I said I'd get an endoscopy.
Over a month since I last went home to visit my family.
Over two months since I met up with friends for a drink.
Over two years since I attended a fashion-community meetup.
And it's been close to four months since I last wrote any code..
A life that lets so much slip, a life grown numb—whose life is that for, and whose attitude?
Since I came into IT, a lot has been growing numb. I try not to lose myself, but
my attitude toward daily life and work differs too sharply from my attitude toward the organization.
Doing the money-earning projects with their methodologies and workloads,
while keeping up the methodologies I pursue in study groups and social projects—this double life has become exhausting..
Four months ago I turned down a scouting offer from a large company, determined to help revive a tiny struggling one,
vowing to become an evangelist for them—that resolve..
keeps flickering back as reckless bravado.
There's no right or wrong here, but I can feel my compromises diluting who I am.
No—it's been going on so long that my very sense of self is under threat.
But in truth my will, in truth,
my self-confidence.. or my hope, seems to have drained away.
To feel sensation again,
to stimulate a dulled brain, to let oxygen back in,
today I read "Strategy Puzzle,"
and on the way home I'm planning to buy "People Who Don't Work the Way They Think," which I bookmarked the other day.
This Sunday, at 5:33 pm,
feels somehow less fresh than usual..
My heart is pounding, maybe from the coffee, but I feel a strong sense of regret..
Let's hurry to the bookstore..
--------------------------------------------------------------- Current time pm 9:23
At the bookstore I bought People Who Don't Work the Way They Think (Jerry Harvey)
along with Whose Future Is It Anyway? (Alvin Toffler).
And suddenly, I checked the blog's visitor count. Is it because of the phrase "people who don't work the way they think"?
That thought flickers through my mind.
And another thought comes—
underneath all the things I just listed, a victim mentality seems to be lodged deep.
I am the one who carves up time and shapes my daily life, yet here I am, pinning it on some third party
and fretting over their state or attitude—there's really no need for that.
What am I dissatisfied with?
Why am I worrying and afraid?
What do I have to do for the picture I want to paint?
How do I have to change my situation for the picture I want to paint?
