Samsam. Looking back.
<Prologue>
Misaeng. Late, late as it was, I got a chance to read it by accident.
Just before the middle of volume 1,
I got a chance to run into samsam(三三).
It felt like Act 1 of my own life — just before the middle —
getting a chance to face being thirty-three.
<Samsam in My Daily Life. Looking Back.>
Searching for samsam online, I found the keyword "samsam jeongseok" (3-3 standard form).
(There's a concept you need before talking about samsam: the "death line (1st line), doomed line (2nd line), territory line (3rd line), influence line (4th line)."
If territory is cash, influence is future value. How closely it resembles our daily lives..)
Samsam leans toward taking territory, and since it's light and fast, it has the strength that a single move can claim the corner as your own. In exchange, it tends to give up influence and long-term potential.
At thirty-three, I wonder if I wasn't the same.
My plan to file a patent and build a startup couldn't hold up past eight months because of cost, and I went back to employment.
Thanks to that, things are stable now. I even traveled to Las Vegas on the company's dime.
But it's exactly the samsam standard form. Maybe that's why. I closed the book for a moment.
<Sweeping Lines>
Ah — that's me. That's what I've been worrying about. That's exactly the part I've been struggling with.
And I hadn't even read a single volume. I needed to think. So I had no choice but to stop.
I've got a handful of books I've stopped like that. Is it stubbornness? That's how I am. And I want to be.
Because finishing the book isn't the point.
Reading the book is the point.
As "looking" differs from "gazing"..
1. And I failed to join the ranks.
Only then did I see my father's wrinkles and my mother's dimming eyes.
Called an ant. "Don't think! The moment a worker ant thinks about getting pregnant, the whole colony falls apart!"
2. On TV, the feel-good people shouting "live your dream" fill the screen.
Those who can't live their dream receive neither comfort nor consideration.
3. "Secure yourself first, then attack the enemy."
No matter how great the spot you took first, what does it matter if your stones are dead?
4. The problem is, only the employees share this. People used to this order. Change it when you get to a position where you can take responsibility.
5. Should I change the font? Useless high-spec perfectionism..
6. A different view from Manager Kim. Nice thought. But in the end, you too are just someone being evaluated.
<Thoughts, and More Thoughts>
Chasing your dream is the easy choice. You only need to think about yourself. You only need to dream of ideals.
But in a way, that's a disregard for — or escape from — reality, so it could be said to be not very grown-up.
Since this is not a world lived alone, age-appropriate behavior is needed. How can one live only doing what one wants?
When the time comes, you should put yourself down and encourage that opportunity for others.
Doing so without hesitation — that, too, could be called "grown-up."
— so says "common" (?) common sense.
Well.. is chasing a dream really just the easy or escapist thought?
Choosing and acting while accepting the words "even so" is not that easy, nor is it cowardly.
At least they make their own "choices" and pay the "price" of those choices.
In contrast, some can give up the "choice" in the name of reasons and justifications, or skip the process of "self-understanding" that must precede a choice. And because there was no choice, there is no result to take responsibility for.
But consciously or unconsciously, those people cannot help feeling uncomfortable. It's cognitive dissonance.
That's why they so fiercely sort right from wrong. They need to evaluate to prove themselves and get psychological satisfaction.
People who often evaluate (or judge) those around them or situations seem to be in this kind of state often.
Of course, I'm not saying I'll quit. Ha.
How to lighten the weight on those people — no, on those who had to make that choice — or on the organization,
is the topic I've been thinking about lately. I'm considering technology as well as organizational culture and operations. At the same time, I'm also considering how those around me perceive me, my reputation, my title.
And I'm thinking about order. What has to be prepared at a company that's just grown from 30 to 40 people, and which of those roles I should prioritize..
In 2010, when I folded the business, I had this thought.
If I have belief in the direction I'm thinking of, and if that belief can be kept and cultivated — I don't need to be the CEO. If someone else can realize it better than me, that's enough.
The thinking about changing or improving them or the organization — is only that.
But from another angle, some point out that this is useless over-quality, or an overreach that doesn't match my position in the organization.
It's not that I'm worrying about disagreeing with their thoughts or about their judgment of me, of course.
It's just a very personal concern about improving my own problem-solving ability, built on the current situation.
<Reinterpretation>
1. Side note
As I was about to close the search window, a pure-Korean gloss at the bottom caught my eye.
Oh?
I thought — a phenomenon is only a phenomenon. That must be why we're told not to sort right and wrong.
There can be no objective fact or phenomenon.
Depending on how it's interpreted, through the situations my current organization has had to go through and judge,
or within the range of knowledge I've learned, the same situation always ends up meaning something different.
(Not sure if it's the right example.. but one that suddenly comes to mind)
- QRcode: in Korea it's already settled as a has-been technology.
http://www.venturesquare.net/569492
- Location: a restaurant on the 7th floor of a building is, in most cases, a high-ticket place.
http://www.designdb.com/dreport/dblogView.asp?gubun=1&bbsPKID=21169
2. Reinterpretation 1 — Omok (five-in-a-row)
Because, seemingly indifferently and chicly, an open 4-row forms and becomes the absolute winning move.
3. Reinterpretation 2 — Pure Korean
1) Pure Korean adjective.
Meaning: "vivid." ex) "His image is still samsam before my eyes,"
2) Pure Korean adjective.
Meaning: (1) a food's taste being mildly salted and delicious; (2) someone's appearance or heart drawing you in.
3) 森森-hada. Trees standing densely and thickly.
<Epilogue>
There was also a line like this.
"The one inside the board doesn't know, but everyone watching does."
Only the person inside the board doesn't know
what they're aiming at, what's flustering them, what delights them.
Everyone outside already knows."
That, I think, is why I ended up writing this post.
Sometimes in life, without knowing, I feel I ought to do something, and only afterward come to understand why.
Through this post I could understand a little more: what part I'm worrying about, what I'm trying to protect,
and to what risk I'm ready to give up — no, to take responsibility — for that protection.
And what emotion takes me when I dodge that responsibility and seek safety.
Or at least — I could think about it again.
