On a Life of Recording
2019.12.16
Lately I've been using notebooks and Notion, and my records have gotten scattered all over the place.
Of course, I haven't kept up any of those methods for very long...
And because they're scattered, even when I pull myself together again, it's hard to know where to go back to,
and even when I do go back, it just doesn't last.
What pulled me up and made me write this:
a line from a certain blogger,
A life that records itself does not collapse easily..
My notebook, last February
Don't just pass through the days as if nothing happened. If the moments of a life spent enduring aren't left behind as records,
then the ordinary days that couldn't even be carved into memory through those records can easily fall into far-off years that amounted to nothing.
When I don't write, my thinking seems to live only as much as I live, only just enough to get by.
Grand hopes, and the countless plans and efforts for them, suddenly become awkward.
Even as I hope to keep my awareness of the problem alive and my senses sharp, to sustain that state of mind, I don't give myself as much time as I'd thought.
They say everything comes from the decision to "just start," but
when I can't figure out what to do, I can't flow into the plan of how to do it either, and so
only emotion backflows, pools, rots, and gradually hardens into helplessness.
They say wounds have to be exposed in order to heal... in that spirit,
I'm pulling a few lines from my old handwritten journal onto the blog.
