Running the Journal Backwards, 2019.11.13
A weak me who, when nothing is happening, lets any stray thought fill the space.
A stubborn concept that, though it belongs to the past, takes over the present.
This heart of mine, helplessly always wanting to be occupied by something.
If on the way home you feel like a total stranger to yourself, then you've held up well today.
If on the way home your worries pile up like a mountain, that too means nothing really happened.
The mind is a creature that fundamentally hates being alone — the moment it sees a small crack, it immediately fills it with a new fear.
To stop this inertia, preparation is needed.
To break out of this addiction, preparation is needed.
I must stop pre-ordering — on installment, in advance — the fears of an unknowable future or an already-passed past.
I must stop buying thoughts, fantasies, or fears about a past and future that don't exist.
The root of this habit is that I haven't been able to accept myself as I am.
When I fully immerse myself in something and wholly accept both that self and its outcome, fear loses the place to exist.
Rather than half-hearted positivity, I'll pour all my effort into accepting myself — and this situation — as they are, right now.
