Today I went hiking. Walked a new path. It was a short, easy course.
And on my way home, I spotted a hand-made jajangmyeon place and a maker cafe! Oh! That smoky wok flavor. And I've never had jajang with that much meat in it. The cafe was quiet. On top of that, you could use a 3D printer and a laser cutter there. Didn't know places like this existed. For a short while I sat in a comfortable seat and sipped coffee. The view was beautiful.
Sitting on a cozy sofa in that quiet cafe, I pulled out the weapon of sensitivity again.
Perception is a filtering process.(p.127)
But then, out of nowhere — the back of my neck felt tight... What is this? I didn't do anything today except a light hike and a delicious bowl of jajang and coffee and now I'm reading a book — so why? A pain flowed down my neck and shoulders, the kind that you instinctively know means a headache is coming within three or four hours. It was around 3 p.m. What on earth???
And right now, writing this post, the perception finally caught up with me. It's now 8 p.m.
Actually, the "short, easy course" went like this.
A short, easy course.. it was supposed to be, but the trail was still under construction and it felt like a survival course. On the way up I was clicking my tongue, thinking, 'Ah.. human greed has no limits — carving up a mountain like this just to build a trail..' But once the trail-under-construction ended and I got onto the real mountain path, it was straight-up survival mode. The trail had been rendered meaningless by layers of fallen leaves that had piled up over a long time. It felt like just pushing through overgrown mountain woods. Broken branches and droppings.. — there were plenty of traces of mountain animals. I even got to meet various species of bees.
The biggest find on today's new hike was discovering a cherry blossom road halfway up the mountain. At first I thought it was a park or a temple. It was vast. But there was no sign of anyone. I hesitated, then walked in along that path. I ran into an elderly man who told me it was private property and to please leave. He warned me to leave carefully because the dogs might come at me. In that instant, four or five dogs started barking with the loud clank of their chains, echoing everywhere. I froze for a second.. and quickly scrambled out of that park-like private property.
Sitting on a cozy sofa in the quiet cafe.. for more than thirty minutes, the smell of plywood burning under a laser cutter and the noise from the construction site right across the street filled the place, so I had to work hard to filter my perception while reading the book. Oh, and at one point a wasp flew into the cafe and — of all things — came face to face with me twice, both times within 50cm. To hold the line of survival I braved the awkwardness? and moved my seat about three times.
Ah.. I realized I hadn't been perceiving my own state properly — my attention was pointed entirely outward. Only now, perceiving it like this, did the passages above finally click.
The moment I read "Thinking with your head isn't good," something went ding- Of course, I also had the headache that came from losing my center and the attention of my perception, but it was also because it felt way too much like my own story.
Thinking with your head isn't good. Mulling over theories in your head keeps triggering illusions. The intention is good, but it keeps pushing you past your boundaries, or leaving you well short of them. The head keeps talking about what you ought to do, or injecting courage that says you can do this. It pressures you with "You've done well so far, right?" or makes you compare yourself with others.
It's a way of thinking that ignores our boundaries. Our mind keeps urging us to expand our boundaries and push our limits. It makes us empathize with others and turns us into benevolent people.
People who impulsively listen to the voice of their mind end up rudely sacrificing themselves beyond their boundaries. The only one that knows where the group's boundary actually is — is the body. Especially the gut. How many spoonfuls until you're full, and how many after that start to harm you; how long you can sit in front of a computer; when you need to rest.. Of course, not when you're already sick, but always perceiving the body in real time.
You have to respect your boundaries, keep them well, and hold your center. Constant contact with the body is necessary. You have to use the body as a sensor. Living to fit in because of belonging, recognition, reputation — it's easy to lose the perception of your body that way. (p.137~139)
I went around thinking, "What am I that this company headhunted me three times to come on board?" I walked into that place as an outsider and planned and pushed new businesses like it was my own. Looking back, if the company was the body, I think I was the "head" this passage describes. For the past three years my body was well past its boundary. And now that I think about it, maybe the company was too. Of course, this kind of thinking itself might be a benevolent posture, but a company is a living thing too, right — it's politics, all the way through. Looking back, I realize once again? that the biggest cause of trouble was not drawing the boundary to begin with. I should have demanded clear commitments on cost and timeline, but I only paid attention to management's position and circumstances and let my own boundary collapse. If I thought it was important, I should have drawn a clear line and waited. Instead, "a good thing is a good thing" thinking — "I'm an employee, so let me just go along" — "it's the chance I waited two years for" — "at least it's progressing this much, isn't that something?" — all of these urged me to expand my boundary and push my limits, didn't they. I project myself into this passage.
A life without boundaries burns excess energy, and recharging that energy is hard. So a world of limitless possibility can become a serious source of stress. Only a territory surrounded by proper boundaries can give us strength and support and let us focus our energy.
Only the body can tell us where our boundary is. The head doesn't know, and emotions aren't much help either. Our boundary is also what tells us how far our strength can reach. In a vast space without boundaries, energy dissipates and motivation is lost. So, if your effort is to bear fruit, you need to build good boundaries around your sphere of action. (p.142)
These are such important words. It's my body, but the time I spend actually being aware of it — trying to be aware of it — feels painfully short. Even in this very moment, typing this post, I try to notice various perceptions. The feel of pressing the keys, the sound, the noise around me. Ah, it's now 9 p.m. I'm at the community library in my neighborhood. They close at 10, so one by one people are starting to pack up. Meanwhile, the pain stimulating my head, the stiff neck. The soreness in the tooth currently under dental treatment. And still, the voice in my mind saying I have to post everything I noted down today before I get up.. Yeah — just like this passage says, in many ways, the mind keeps urging me to expand my boundary and push my limits, and the head keeps nagging about what I ought to do..
We don't realize that it isn't the children invading our boundaries. In fact, it's we ourselves who permit these things. Children keep testing their boundaries and their relationships until the parents give them a clear signal. (p.153)
I think this applies just as well if you swap "children" for other people, society, or organizations. And testing one's boundaries and relationships isn't exclusive to children. All fully-living things do it.
It's just modern people who can't. Neoliberalism-optimized, ever-more-sophisticated organizational culture, and an information society shaped by mobile devices and the internet — these seem to form the main axes. And within all that, sensitive people in various fields are failing to define their own boundaries and relationships. And I wonder if I myself am not in the top tier of that group.
When you make your own position clear, you can check other people's positions, interests, attitudes, and views with a more open mind. Then, without losing yourself, you can meet other perspectives and expand your own — or gain a more mature viewpoint.
It also helps to paint your own thoughts in a specific color. When you consciously perceive the many fragments of thought that pass through your mind, you can more easily distinguish your own thoughts from thoughts that came from outside. You have to practice perceiving the feelings in your body and consciously separating your real feelings from feelings that came from outside. (p.146)
The original plan was to post everything I had noted and then finish the book and head home, but.. since my body's boundary is pressing me, I'll stop here for today.
