I have been living absorbed in something, throwing myself into work, studying, experiencing. Meeting people who do different kinds of work, I end up discovering my own unconscious, or the ways I fall short.
In that process, the weaknesses I came to know through my unconscious are two. I have "paratantra-svabhava" (dependent nature) and "parikalpita-svabhava" (the imagined nature). And a strength that is also a weakness is that insights I myself do not know (hard to explain) come out unconsciously from an active curiosity, and that those unconscious thoughts go through cognitive dissonance in my life with other people.
The directions I thought were right for myself keep running into frustration in my social life. I do not think my short experience and thought are perfect. So whenever sources of conflict arise.. which is the right choice? To judge that, I go and gather objective opinions in various third-party groups or study circles. To borrow a phrase from the book, I deliberately create water droplets to figure out my own position.
* This kind of problem is like asking a fish to understand water. Fish have never experienced another world, so it is nearly impossible for them to see or imagine water. To a curious fish, the water droplets rising up offer an important clue. Optical illusions, like those droplets, draw attention to what we usually take for granted. In that sense, illusions play a decisive role in understanding the back side of the brain.
— from Incognito
In that process I once again lose myself in absorption, and in that process.. there is a moment when I suddenly recognize that I am being pulled into their values. I walked into a new village in search of an objective position.. but in the end, it is like walking into the village of the one-eyed monkeys and, unable to withstand their criticism or their perception, ending up piercing my own eye... And an even more serious problem is the loneliness, or the mental and values-level confusion, of walking into the village of normal monkeys with that wounded eye and once again meeting criticism and a different perception.
These are the problems I have been feeling and experiencing as I meet, on purpose, people from many fields in order to judge my own direction or values, fill what I lack, and broaden my own vessel.
It began like this. To give myself a manager's education, I would directly experience lives in various fields. At least not to make them "my people" or to use them by paying them; but for empathy, for sharing sincerity, was it not right to become part of them and experience it directly? But in the process of being with them, I started feeling that I could lose myself — that kind of sense of danger began.
And the social age and the expectations placed on me as a member of society were too different from my consciousness and intent. No — the common sense, manners, and values of each group were too different. The moment I got a new or wider vision, it came to me as a hurdle. As the width of thought grew, the many things I had to consider came at me as items of choice? to-dos? or a sense of obligation. And having to choose (decide) one thing out of many at every moment became a very heavy burden. Whatever choice I made came back as an unsuitable reaction. It was a shock. Is the gap between groups (in common sense, manners, or attitude) this big?
Positively speaking, I started thinking more inclusively and more slowly, and stopped voicing sharp criticism at any given judgment. Looking at it more objectively, twisted a bit, it can look dispirited and passive.
The real-world sense I got while learning new knowledge and theory with new people was.. to have a sincere conversation with them, or rather, not to commit the mistake of putting up a wall of their perception, you need their language (specialist knowledge, career, educational background).
No matter how much insight you have, without the grand-sounding (to my ears) specialist terms they use, it is hard to even hold a conversation together. For example, things I had said earlier and were simply passed over would, when mentioned again through someone with a known reputation, get attention, while my past thoughts got no traction. Is this a problem of the group? Or my problem, for not having the right stack (this might just be self-deprecation or an excuse.)? Then what should I prepare for the future? Of course, I think misunderstandings or poor communication are absolutely my responsibility. (But I cannot hide that such cowardly thoughts also come and go... If Minerva really were from a prestigious university or a large company, would he have had to suffer such hardship? His only sin was that his title was poor. His insights, thoughts, or values had no meaning to the public.)
What I am troubled by is not whether I am acknowledged by them or whether my opinions carry persuasive weight. The problem is that, as Minerva is now, my values waver and I start judging myself — adjusting myself to their level (of the very small slice of people from certain fields I happen to be in contact with) — as someone who is lacking, or with such a character, or with such ability.
And I came to wonder whether I am turning into a person who is neither this nor that. The multi-player that only exists in football; wanting value and process and sincerity over result; doing completely different things for that and wanting to communicate with those people — is it right? Or am I still not ready to pursue such a thing?
As in a book I read recently, alongside the "culture of poverty" — a middle or high schooler who dreams of being a botanist: is it right to study for college entrance exams instead of raising flowers and taking an interest in plants, in the time they would spend on them? Is it right to first build up one's credentials and occasionally study English?.. Am I someone lacking in professional consciousness? Should I have graduated from university and thrown myself into a single line of work and greeted my thirties? If so, then has my life been a wrong choice?
I also wonder whether I am troubled like this because my values and consciousness are lacking. Is that why I am conscious of others? But living and mixing with them (people in each field), I find myself, without realizing, either assimilating to them or wanting to be acknowledged by them. Is it because of loneliness? Because of the paratantra- and parikalpita-svabhava I mentioned earlier?..
If I had consistently made my original choices and lost the knowledge or experience I have now — what choice would I make? I do not want to give up the knowledge or experience I have gathered so far.. What emotion is this? Greed? Is that greed what has made me this way?..
Is my saying "I have made myself this way" because I do not find myself satisfying? Is it because I do not like the "me" that those around me evaluate? These days, even aware of cognitive dissonance, I am unable to act or judge easily — trying to meet the standards they have in mind.
Because of that, I feel my choices and actions, my expression and attitude are changing. I feel a sense of crisis. Recently I have had thoughts like: Should I enter a prestigious graduate school and build up my stack? Go study abroad? Is that the way to get empathy? And even so, is getting their empathy really my ultimate goal?.. And at the same time, for the sake of my purpose, can I really say the time and process of communicating with them, of getting their empathy, is meaningless? And in the end, I keep running into a huge wall I cannot cross.
Then what is the goal that I want so much?
To achieve that ideal, do I have the physical conditions? Is it just self-masturbation for me alone? What effect can it have on the lives of the people around me — for instance, on the lives of my family?.. If so, what meaning does my sincerity really have?..
Twenty-five.. To say that the repeated daily life of everyone who feels themselves ordinary is precious — the intent with which I built normalstory, and through clothing, for the store that sells those clothes, to express the sincerity of the space that sells those clothes, and the many projects I ran for that empathy.. And my current life, trying to realize that concept of space online and through mobility..
But I feel that values about life or profession act as a considerable hurdle in social life and work life.. Because, under the banner of "adaptation" rather than improvement of agency or values, it demands cognitive dissonance, a shift in consciousness, or compromise. In the end, the one conclusion I felt last night was...
I am now
neither this nor that.
