Ah… damn it. First thing in the morning.
What now—him again?
Ugh… that sound again.
And then, suddenly, a thought occurred to me.
Ah… this is how I cling.
Cling.
My habits, my karma, my ties—
all of them sticking fast.
And just like that,
another piece of today’s karma clings to me.
Just as people differ in their sensitivity to taste, smell, and touch,
we all seem to have different sensitivities to certain situations, behaviors, and attitudes—
to what we consider common sense, basic decency, character, and so on.
He is unfair.
He manipulates the atmosphere around him.
He is the classic type who is strong toward the weak and weak toward the strong.
Oh—there he is.
And immediately, the thought sticks:
“Why does he treat me like that?”
Then the imagination starts running wild.
Now it gets worse.
Other people of the same type begin sticking to my mind as well.
It feels unfair.
Like greasy residue that stays slippery no matter how much you scrub the dishes,
these feelings cling.
And just as grease splatters out of the sink,
my discomfort splashes out of my mind and through my mouth.
Right in the middle of all that mental chaos,
another thought suddenly appeared.
What would it look like from his side?
Could he also be thinking,
“Why does he treat me like that?”
Avalokiteshvara.
Everything outside me—nature, objects, the world itself—remains exactly as it is.
Could it be that only my mind is in turmoil?
Namo Avalokiteshvara.
Why is that?
Because of my thoughts.
Because of my stubborn standards,
my insistence on deciding what is right and wrong.
At first, I thought perhaps this was some kind of victim mentality.
But maybe not.
In this case,
it seems closer to contempt.
Seriously—who do you think you are?
Perhaps before,
“Why on earth are you doing this to me?”
there is something else:
“Who do you think you are?”
“What gives you the right?”
“How dare you?”
“How could you do that to me?”
or simply,
“This is unfair.”
Maybe those feelings come first.
If it had been someone else,
or if I myself were in a different state,
would I really have reacted in exactly the same way?
Avalokiteshvara.
In truth, this is contempt.
Perhaps somewhere beneath the surface,
I had already been looking down on him.
And yet, there are far too many versions of me inside myself.
So yes, I still find him unbearable.
But this is not necessarily his fault,
nor is it necessarily his problem.
It is mine.
He is simply living this moment according to his own karma and habits.
The fact that I cannot stand the sight of him,
that every little thing he does feels unreasonable to me,
is clearly a matter of my own discrimination and judgment.
When it comes to another person’s circumstances and choices,
to another person’s life,
I am only a minor bystander.
It is not necessarily my place to condemn, criticize, or demand correction.
Then is all I can do simply change the way I look at him?
But even that feels strangely hollow.
Because my feelings and thoughts are not entirely “me” either.
Just as he is shaped by immeasurable layers of karma and habit,
so am I.
Like tasting something spicy, salty, or bitter,
certain sensations simply arise
when the right conditions and causes come together.
Feelings and sensations are simply felt according to conditions.
They are not entirely matters of training or will.
When cleaning a grill at a barbecue restaurant,
the slipperiness, the soot,
and that stubborn smell that clings to everything
can certainly be unpleasant.
But none of those qualities, one by one,
are things to blame
or things that can be asked to correct themselves.
They are simply what they are.
You accept them.
You observe them.
In the end, the person I criticize so harshly
is also someone who could only be as he is.
And I, too,
am ultimately someone who could only be as I am.
So I simply watch.
Steadily,
my emotions,
my thoughts,
and my actions.
