An Attitude Toward Wholeness Rather Than Perfection

Perfectionists tend to experience greater pain in intimate relationships, especially in marriage. Among the couples who come to me, there are really many where one spouse is a perfectionist, or both are. Perfectionists cannot feel happiness or satisfaction. They are unhappy and anxious most of the time. They demand harsh and impossible standards from their lovers, spouses, and children, and when these are not met, they respond with criticism, blame, irritation, anger, and punishment. 

Naturally, affection, intimacy, warmth, and gratitude disappear, and daily life becomes a bed of thorns. Hearts are deeply wounded, of course. All of this stems from illusions and unrealistic standards created by my own expectations. (p. 371)

 

 

When I was young, I never thought about "stopping at the right point." I thought it was natural to "go all the way" toward what I was pursuing. But now I'm realizing how important it is to be content and stop at the right point. That's true for goals, and it's true for relationships with people as well.

 

Kim Sun-hee, a clinical psychology expert, said that many people who come to her clinic for couples counseling are "perfectionists." They demand harsh and impossible standards from their spouses, and when these are not met, they respond with criticism, blame, irritation, anger, and punishment. So it would be hard for them to feel happiness.

 

"Someone with a healthy, realistic mind quickly adjusts when their expectations and imaginations don't match reality, compromising within themselves or wisely editing their expectations, wishes, and fantasies... Even when they realize the other person isn't what they wanted them to be, instead of reacting intensely, they look at the person as they are, accept reality, and then look back at themselves." (p. 371)

 

Bertrand Russell is said to have said this:

"The secret to enjoying life is that I figured out what I longed for and got most of it, and cleanly gave up on the things that were essentially unattainable."

 

The author urges us to pursue not "a life where my expectations are met" but "a life that enjoys the scenery and flavor that life shows us," emphasizing that clean relinquishment and wise resignation are the secret keys that open up a new world for us.

 

The author's words — "What we should aim for is not perfection but wholeness" — stay with me long after.