A Reverse-Flowing Ilgi-Ilhoe
- Last Monday of August 2019
Woke up four times. Still recovering from a cold.
I've been trying not to let my mood become my attitude, but
consciousness still isn't catching up to the unconscious.
Because I didn't act on my hunch, last night I missed a place I'd thought was just right, by a hair's breadth.
And then it came around again. Within striking distance this time. Don't miss it - watch it land.
In that moment -
I thought: back then, if I'd made up my mind to renovate the shop, or taken on a new challenge...
Flow like water but don't get swept away.
This feeling, this mood - where does it come from and where does it go?
This time, I have to figure it out for sure.
Today's Ilgi-Ilhoe
- 2020.08.22 Saturday
Coincidence? I opened the diary from exactly one year ago.
Today is Saturday, with COVID's second wave, outside the house is sinking? settling?
No, it should be settling... but insensitivity and uneasy glances keep intersecting, and
I've been at home binge-watching short-script videos that kids these days watch,
thought about going out but it was raining too, so I took a nap,
woke up, had a moment of clarity,
and now, listening to music on Naver VIBE (which I'm using again thanks to a 900-won promo),
I'm copying over the old ilgi-ilhoe.
Back then I was deep in a brutal listlessness and depression, and sleep was stubbornly elusive.
I'm still not fully recovered now, but
back then, without knowing it, I was doing something I never did - regretting.
Maybe it was the honest feeling I'd suppressed and held in.
The internal posture of being an outsider, and the external treatment to match, has piled up since my last job, through my training period, all the way to now -
easily four years of it.
Maybe even before that, at my earlier company, in college, it was the same.
Looking back, the only time it wasn't was during the cafe years.
The period when I painted, brewed coffee, made and sold clothes - that was the only one.
Maybe that was the only time
when my purpose wasn't malnourished - when it was abundant.
https://normalstory.tistory.com/m/entry/%EB%82%98-%EC%A7%80%EA%B8%88-%EC%9A%94%EC%A6%98-%EC%95%8C-%EC%88%98-%EC%97%86%EC%9D%B4-%ED%94%BC%EA%B3%A4%ED%95%9C-%EA%B1%B0-%EB%A7%9E%EC%A7%80
나 지금, 요즘 알 수 없이 피곤한 거 맞지?.
피곤한 것의 진짜 이유는 열심히 일했기 때문도 그렇다고 비타민 결핍 때문도 아니다 태도가 나쁘기 때문이다 태도가 나쁜 이유는 다시, 목적이 결핍되었기 때문이다. (존 고든, 유니타스브랜드
normalstory.tistory.com
It came back to me.
When my younger sibling was struggling, I'd once said,
"You need a dream."
And then my sibling's reply came back to me:
"Right, and for some people even holding onto a dream is the hard part!"
At the time I didn't get it.
The anger, the feelings, the resentment, the baffled-ness... now I'm the one wearing that skin, sunk in it, unable to climb out.
Back when I was winding down the cafe, the compromise I made, what I thought of as "reasonable thinking" -
"Given how lacking I am in so many ways, if I'm not the one in charge, if I'm just someone's left or right hand, everyone can be happy" -
made me forget my own dreams and goals.
우리는 의미를 채우기 위해서가 아니라 여백을 메꾸기 위해 인생의 길을 걷는다
하와이에 왔으니 10만보 걷기에 도전해보자며 다함께 목표를 설정했던 것이 아닌가 그런데 왜 걷고 있는 도중에 그 의미라는 걸 찾으면서 포기하려고 했을까 어쩌면 고통의 한복판에 서 있던 그
normalstory.tistory.com
When a particularly hard day comes along, we suddenly strain to find some grand meaning, and when we can't find it, we say "this is meaningless - it was all wrong from the start," as an excuse.
From that point on, I measured myself by other people's eyes and standards, always thinking of myself as lacking and in need of reflection.
The wrinkles of self-doubt deepened like that. Whatever I started, I was always late.
A late starter, I burned my days white-hot, literally. But no matter what I did, it was always a deficit.
All day, every day, only work and learning. The inertia of those ten years still hasn't fully let me go.
Burning out at work like that. Razor-sharp on the parts I was good at, pathetic and cringing on the parts I wasn't.
My personal life, too, went to pieces, literally. Personal time and space were pushed far back, long since lost.
And so, through ten years, my sensitivity, my delicacy, my instinct, my sixth sense - all went dull.
Right. Thinking about it, that's how.
Maybe the reason I fell so deeply into insomnia,
the reason I fell into a listlessness where I couldn't focus on anything -
was because the last little bit of that sixth sense left in me
was fighting to wake me up with everything it had left.
That's what I think.
